Eight Months

How has it been eight months?  I had a hard time writing this post, just so much going on in my life and the lives of people who are close to me. It’s a lot to process sometimes…. I have to think things through before I write.  I just completely deleted a full page of my thoughts in words and started over.

This has been the worst year of my life.  2018 started out great, Kris and I had big plans. I was in the middle of starting a nutrition counseling private practice, Kris took a new job with a shiny paycheck, we were talking about starting a family.  We didn’t have any trips planned. The plan was to remodel the bathroom and finish the yard. Be responsible-ish.

When Kris died, my panicked thoughts were always, “What am I going to do without him?”

Who am I going to travel with?  How am I going to go rafting without him?  How am I going to pay the bills? How can I do anything without him here with me…

But I’m figuring things out.  I’m actually starting to feel closure.  I have some answers. The questions I ask myself are now much different.

What would Kris think about what I’m doing?  What do I do with his things? What trips do I want to take next year?  Maybe I should re-decorate the house? Rearrange the furniture?

I bought some books about grieving.  People gave me books about grieving. I’ve flipped through them, sort of… Do I need a book to tell me how to grieve?  Do I need to go to counseling to deal with the grief? I really only think about going to counseling when people ask me if I’ve gone to counseling….

I know myself, but I don’t really know what to do with myself.  It’s hard to explain. I have lots of thoughts and emotions constantly going through my mind about life, death, Kris, work, money, love, health, food.  Sometimes, I think horrible things, sad things, happy things, I hope for things. I’m learning to acknowledge my thoughts and emotions as I go through this grieving process.  Some days I have no focus whatsoever and other days I’m so productive I don’t quite understand.

My friend Karin wrote a post, “Wisdom for When Things Fall Apart”.  My life fell apart this year and her post spoke words of truth to me.  It put into writing exactly what I’ve been going through. I bought the book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and starting reading it on my flight to Austin last week but couldn’t focus and then fell asleep.  I haven’t picked it up again yet…. So I’m reading Harry Potter.

I try to keep busy.  I think Kris would be impressed with my social calendar.  I’m impressed. I say yes to almost all invites in an attempt to live out Kris’s goal of being more social.  And it’s been good. It does help to spend time with people. The house is quiet without Kris. I still don’t like sleeping alone.  Thank goodness for Maddie, she’s become more of a lover dog since Kris died and sleeps with me every night. I’ll take the dog hair in my bed.

I might go to counseling one of these days.  I might not. I might read the books about grief.  I might not. For now, I just try to be very honest with myself so that I can be open and honest with others.  It’s easier that way. I am not embarrassed or ashamed of any of my emotions. I still don’t like crying in front of people, but there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s okay to not be okay. But I’m okay most days now.

I think about Kris a lot.  How much fun we had together.  All his smartass comments, soooo much B.S.  He was so funny, so smart.  He could start up a conversation with anyone.  He got away with everything.  He was so strong.  The best laugh.  He truly loved life.