Yesterday, July 28th, 2018 was five months…it’s been five months. Five months. And life keeps going. I think it’s becoming more and more blatant to me that life keeps going. Time does heal. It is welcome, but it’s still brutal sometimes.
How you spend your time is how you spend your life. I’ve spent a lot time trying to figure out what to do with my time.
Are we slaves to the clock? Seconds, minutes, hours ticking by day after day after day. Does what we do with our minutes matter? Do we even realize how precious those minutes are? That they are numbered… how many wasted hours are spent mindlessly scrolling on our phones, watching tv, working…
Time does go by faster the older we get.
Sometimes I have a hard time focusing. I guess that’s nothing new. I’ve always attempted to over-multitask my days. But I can focus when I need to, like at work, usually. Actually, I just think I’ve just gotten really good at focusing enough of my brain on the tasks at hand and then have to accept that the rest of my mind wanders, constantly wanders….
I do know that Kris would want me to find joy in life. To do the things that make me happy.
I’ve been rafting the last three weekends. Rafting is one of the things that I didn’t know if I could/would be able to keep up on my own. A group of us did the Cabarton three weeks ago, about 25 people did the “First Annual Kristopher Norbryhn Memorial Float” on the Main Payette two weeks ago, and then twelve of us rafted Hell’s Canyon last weekend.
The Memorial Float made me realize that everyone has kept going on with life. The Hell’s Canyon trip made me realize that those people are the ones I want to be friends with forever, being in the outdoors, middle of nowhere on a river with people, you don’t make friends like that at church.
It is hard to go rafting without Kris. I mean, most things are hard to do without him. It’s hard to get the house ready to go out of town by myself. It’s hard to come home to an empty house. It’s hard to be hungover alone, no one to order me pizza. It’s hard to eat dinner alone. It’s hard to go to bed alone. It’s hard to get up alone in the morning. Hard to make coffee for just me. Hard to grocery shop for just me.
Yes, okay, so lots of things are hard. But it is getting easier. Because I have to go on. What else am I going to do? I could completely give in to the grief and heartache, let it take over. But what kind of life would that be? I did let it consume me for three months. But it’s exhausting. I got tired of being so sad all the time.
And understand that doing things that make me happy, going on with life, does not mean that I’m not still grieving or that I don’t miss Kris horribly. A part of my heart will always, always miss him. It’s like my soul is scarred. But scars fade over time, right? Forever marked but less visible with time.
And again, I think, what would Kris want for my life? And my life could be worse. I stopped paying attention to the news, for the most part, because most stories are bad news: war, death, disasters, corruption, gun violence. Just so many unnecessary deaths. And now I can relate to the bad news. I feel the loss for the families of the people who die…but then again I took a job working for a home health and hospice company. I don’t think we do death very well in America… It’s difficult to comprehend the finality of death, realizing that you will never see that person again. Looking a pictures, remembering how much fun we had. Kris loved life, so smart, funny, happy, full of energy. I miss his laugh.
I am keeping busy, doing things that make me happy. Being outside as much as possible, rafting, concerts, gardening, happy hours. I’ve started to cook more.
I am okay, or as okay as a 32 year old widow who still doesn’t know how her husband died can be….what the fuck. How did this happen?
I’m finding a new normal. I do still think that life is meant to be enjoyed. I’m realizing more and more that the only things that matter are people, connecting with friends and family. Being real, open, honest, accepting. Traveling is something I still really want to do. And love, don’t forget about love.
In these bodies we will live
In these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love
You invest your life
-Mumford & Sons – Awake My Soul
Again, beautiful writing. Love to you ?