Lately I’ve been thinking that I wish I could just jump ahead about five years. Skip past all this heartache and pain. Look back one day and wonder how I possibly survived. I’m still thinking about time. Hours, days, weeks, months, years… A time machine to go back, would it make a difference? How has it been six weeks?
I have good days and bad days. I still cry everyday, and if I don’t cry during the day, I wake myself up crying during the night. I started dreaming again, not necessarily anything of significance, but I am able to remember that I had a dream at least.
Because I had no dreams for the first month, which isn’t normal for me. I look for meaning in what I can remember of my dreams. I’ve heard people say that those we’ve lost come to us in our dreams, but I don’t know… I think I’ve actually been searching for meaning, or a sign, from anything out of the ordinary, just something to let me know that he’s alright.
Yesterday I decided that I should let myself cry in the mornings instead of holding it back until nighttime. I don’t know why it’s seems better, easier, to cry in darkness. Maybe because we often associate tears with weakness or as shameful, which is not how I feel about crying but I think there’s still a stigma.
I don’t think Kris would want me to cry all the time, but I don’t think he’d want me not to cry. It’s hard to explain… I almost feel guilty if I have a day where I only tear up and don’t completely breakdown. The grief continues to come and go in waves. Sometimes it hits me so hard I can barely breath and other times it comes with a happy memory and a smile. And I just really don’t like crying in front of people. I’m not embarrassed about it, I just don’t want the attention. I feel like I have a lot of people watching me, which isn’t a bad thing. It helps when people reach out.
Kris loved the spotlight. He reveled in being the center of attention. Not my thing, I gladly let him.
A coworker sent me this article the other day, and it’s one of the best responses I’ve read about death. I’ve experienced the worst shipwreck imaginable and the cuts have yet to heal and form scars.