I almost forgot that today was seven months. It snuck up on me. September went by fast, and it was a hard month – just getting past the six month mark, my birthday, what would have been my fifth wedding anniversary, Kris and I started dating in September, a quick trip to L.A….
At least it ended on a high note.
As I write this, I’m traveling home to Boise from Burlington, Vermont. I spent the last few days at Blog Brûlée connecting with other dietitians and health food bloggers. I haven’t really been doing much food blogging the past seven months, maybe four or five food posts….. I’m looking at this conference as a sort of reset, an opportunity to really decide what I want to do with the blog, what I want to do with myself.
I am still restless though, like I need to move or go travel around Europe for an indeterminate amount of time or go back to school or quit my job.
I think I will make October my month to try to center myself, at least to start the trek down that dark, twisted trail.
Last night I started watching Grey’s Anatomy in the hotel room. I was waiting for Thursday Night Football to start. I don’t know how East Coasters do 8:20pm game time…. And yes, I do watch football on my own. Anyway, Grey’s Anatomy is my guilty pleasure show. (Did you know that every episode’s title is a song?). I’d seen the episode that came on, but it made me cry. Should’ve gone down to the hotel bar… Meredith is interviewing a nanny and trying to explain to the nanny that she needs someone who understands that her kids are important and that her work is important and that her schedule is crazy, she talks in circles. And finally she says that she just needs someone to be her person. Now I thought this was an episode after Derek had died (spoiler, sorry if you didn’t know know that Derek dies), but he was still around in this episode, just going to another city for work. It was the wording that got to me…because I am learning how to go through life without my person.
I don’t really know how to describe what it’s like to unexpectedly lose your spouse. Meaning I’m not sure that words even exist to describe the emotions and shock. It’s like the worst breakup you ever had x100. That empty feeling of complete heartache, rejection, worthlessness…. but then you want to beg that person to take you back, not just a late night drunken text but that every particle in your body needs that person, show up at their doorstep in the middle of the night, sobbing, intoxicated, and on your knees, kiss their feet beg them to take you back. But they slam the door in your face.
And my person, he’s just gone.
It does get better with time. The first three months were dark, overcast. Summer was better with the sunshine. I was outside as much as possible. And now the weather has changed. I know it’s going to frost soon and my garden will be done. The days are getting cooler and shorter, which will force me to focus on some indoor projects, like getting back into food blogging, learning some website stuff, figuring out how to legitimately monetize this blog, put into practice what I learned….
I need October for a reset. To retrain my brain to concentrate. I have been scattered, like my brain constantly multitasks to the extreme, focused on my present to-do’s and at the same time, very far away. I think October will be a good month, I need it to be.