Three Months

How has it been three months already?  How does time keep going without Kris in the world?  I wish I could tell you that I know cause of death, but I don’t. 

Kris truly loved life and lived without regrets.  One of the hardest things for me to think about is that I know without a doubt that Kris was not ready to leave this world.  And I wonder what went through his mind….

Time does go by faster the older you get.  Or maybe being faced with your own mortality makes you value what little time we actually have here on earth so much more…..some perspective, I guess.  

If you died today, would you be happy with the life you have lived?  

You do your best to stay healthy but things happen.  And then we spend thousands, hundreds of thousands of dollars, millions and billions of dollars keeping chronically sick people alive….I see a lot of people who don’t value life (or even enjoy life for that matter), and it makes me sad.

I can honestly say that Kris valued and enjoyed his life and the life we had together.  He would want me to be happy.

I’ve been doing better the last week or two.  I’m finally not feeling as panicked or stressed about the future.  I’m still working through all the paperwork but the end might be in sight.  I don’t cry every day anymore. I think the warmer weather helps too. I’ve been outside every chance I get, definitely a sun worshiper.   I’m starting to come to the realization that I will be okay, eventually I will be okay.

I find myself listening to music more, even find myself singing along sometimes.  I haven’t been watching as much TV, although I’m almost done with E.R. on Hulu….all fifteen seasons.  Too much TV makes me feel worthless, I decided. Don’t get me wrong, I still like to binge watch shows on Netflix but overall I feel that spending all my evenings watching TV adds no real value to my life.  I’ve been trying to read but have a hard time focusing long enough to get through more than a chapter or two at once, then my mind wanders….

Someone told me I’d probably make new friends during this time.  And that’s been true. I’ve connected with people that I didn’t know that well before Kris died.  I’ve connected with people I’ve never met before or just briefly met, but they knew Kris. And then I even find myself reconnecting with people.  And current friendships have grown and deepened.

I don’t feel so alone anymore… not that I was ever alone.  But when your spouse dies, you are alone no matter how many people are around you.  I guess I’m more open to building friendships, to contributing to relationships. I feel like I was in a trance and just accepted people reaching out to me, but now, I feel more like I have something to offer.  

I struggle with trying to find meaning for all this, looking for an answer to the “why?”.  I guess it’s because I don’t really think there is any meaning or purpose or lesson. Trying to rationalize Kris’s death gets me nowhere.  And then the mind wanders down the path of trying to find the meaning of life in general and that’s a dangerous road, a question humans have been trying to figure out for centuries.  I’ve definitely surprised myself with some of the thoughts I’ve had on life and living and death and dying….but that’s for another post, another time.

All I know for sure, is that at the end of the day, well, at the end of your life, it’s our interactions with people that matter the most.